me & my 3rd Mr J are over....

life is always so hard for me when it comes to relationships... for 7 yrs, its has always been the same...

i really tried my best to accommodate and not complain anything... but why I just can't have someone who will really love me for who im and accept me for who i m too...

for him... i put in all my efforts and all my feelings... i helped him the best i could but he will nv see it... i made myself to be there for him whenever he needs me.... but he isn't there for me... always....

for almost 8mths together, i had not recevied a single gift from him.... not even an object to symbolise our commitment together...

im so silly to even think he will love me truly and not lie to me....
i trust him so much till he lied and it breaks all bond

im awfully sad and lonely now....
im indulging myself into alcohol.... lots of them...
im crying sadly in my heart...
im missing him so much that i want to be in his arms..
im in love with him....

he does not want us together anymore.... he keep accusing me controlling his freedom.....
but have he even think about it, is it his work that is controlling him? or me the girl who need him so much in times of despair and loneliness....

now is all over....

alcohol still seem to be the best remedy right now....
maybe in days to come, i will be still sad like now....
maybe in weeks to come, i will be better alittle....
maybe in months to come, i will try to be happier....
maybe in years to come, i will not bother anymore....
maybe when im married, i will not feel anymore.....
maybe when i have kids, i will only think its silly for my past.....
maybe when im old, i will be lonely and think of the ones i had my love shared with....

but over all.... there is always the scars that were left by them...by him... by the future him....

i wanna be with my northern lights.....promises that nv meant to happen...

i still wish...

{ Thursday, January 01, 2009. }

{ 11:04 PM }